Since what I'll call my last race at White Lake in May I've had a tough time finding purpose for workouts. The end goal wasn't to get faster, or to accomplish something specific at the next race that I had planned. Most of the workouts were to keep me busy, to keep me from getting trapped in my own head. So, naturally, the other little things that make you successful at anything got dropped from my routine. I got hurt, and it was my fault. Honestly I know I could have prevented it, I probably could have even fixed the problem sooner than I did. Without sounding too over dramatic, I think that I wanted to be broken somewhere physically to match the place I was in mentally. I made poor choices, and I knew it, but I guess that's one way that things work.
With so many changes, and so much life being thrown at me I started to let triathlon go. For so long the basis of my decisions had been what would make me a faster triathlete, and I was making a lot of the right choices. Even as I was rushing to the airport to fly home to my Mom, and my family I was thinking about getting a meal in my 2 hour window. I was thinking about staying off my feet, and recovering well. Looking back I feel horrible for thinking this way when I think about the weight of the situation. I felt horrible at the time even, but I think it's in time of desperation that you rely on what you know, your routine. Not being able to let go of triathlon when I needed to most to focus on my family and things that are more important was off putting.
I made the human decision and over corrected, I let life come first. Friends going out to eat? Yes! Ice cream? I'll have two. Drinks tonight, and tomorrow too, right on! Obviously, that's not going to work out well if you're constantly asking your body to push through 2-4 hour workouts. I wasn't getting better in workouts, I wasn't gaining much motivation to work harder, and I was mostly going through the motions. In my mind I knew I was holding on to a thread of "triathlete Seth," but looking forward to what the "new Seth" had in mind. It took a while to have my fill of living haphazardly, and doing things as they come with little balance. I'm not sure exactly when the switch in my mind happened, but if I had to guess I would say after Las Vegas. I had an awful race, though I did think that a good race could happen, I knew my best race wasn't possible. The little confidence in myself that I had was still more than I should have had. I didn't make any of the good decisions that came so naturally to me earlier in the season while racing. It was a low moment for me, to qualify a year out from this race and see so much positive results early in the season, and then know that I let it go consciously. It was like hitting your finger with a hammer, you want to be mad at the hammer, at the nail, at SOMEBODY but you only have yourself to blame. Even during the lackluster build up to Vegas part of my mind said that I'd get there and be so mad at myself that something would change, part of me had some false hope that it would be a good day. Turns out i was only partially right in my predictions.
Looking back despite how my decisions affected things, I wouldn't change my mistakes even if I could. I learned a lot about balance, and why everyone always mentions finding "balance" in every article about success I've ever read. I thought I knew, but I found it for myself which was a lot more valuable to me. Though, it wasn't until just now, writing this that I realized everything that I have learned.
In the weeks after Vegas I decided rather quickly that I didn't want to let my season end that way, so I signed up for Rev3 South Carolina scheduled for a little over a month later. I found my way into doing some of the little things again without giving much thought to beginning a healthy lifestyle or the race. I can't say that it was with solely the race in mind but maybe that was what sparked action. Vegetables were back in the diet, foam rolling before bed started happening again. With that said, My heart wasn't set totally on triathlon again, but I knew that I would enjoy a good hard effort, and it was a tough course so I didn't expect any personal best times. Even in the build to this race I haven't had that "fire" that you'll hear about from people who really are set on their goal. I was enjoying each workout for what it was that day, I still strayed from my coaches plan from time to time, but I was enjoying the vague semblance of consistency again. During most of my training leading up the race, I don't remember thinking of how the race would go, what my times would be, what I'd do during specific situations, I mostly just did the workout and left it at that. I rarely ever even uploaded the data, which I'm sure was quite annoying for my coach (sorry!).
Even the week before race I wasn't counting down like for Vegas. I wasn't looking up pictures of the swim start for visualization. I knew a few things about the course, but I didn't have the elevation profiles memorized like for Vegas. I explained it like this to a friend: "What is a race besides a hard effort? It's not like there is something magical about it that makes it harder because it's a race." Which may or may not be true, but it sums up my feelings on the 4 hour drive there, and on the start line seconds before the horn blew. I had three bits of information for myself before the race. 1) "Be patient" 2) "210-220Watts" 3) "7:00 first mile, then whatever." That really is about all that I planned out, the rest of the race I was just going to do my best and go off of feel. Generally I have a very set plan that I'll follow to control what I can and let the day be dictated by me.
It's pretty incredible how little I am able to remember about the warm up and my thoughts before going into the water. I'm having trouble really writing anything here actually, my mind was very clear. The only thoughts that crossed my mind were things that I could control. Uncontrollable "what ifs" didn't ever seem to linger into the spectrum of thought, it was just another day.
I lined up on the right side of the swim start because that seemed like a good out of the way place to be. For some reason, even though my swimming has been a joke lately the front row welcomed me. I remember only a few things about the swim. One of them being running into the water. Now, I don't want this to sound like I walked into the water but I was so relaxed when running in that it felt like I was meandering my way to the first buoy. A lot of times I pride myself on the ability to run through the water quickly dolphin diving until it's appropriate to start flailing my arms about trying to convert my frantic movement into forward motion. The second thing I remember about the swim was wow, my wetsuit is tight, I had to pull down the neck to get a bit of room to breath every 5 minutes or so. This probably led to the third thing I remember about the swim, which can be interpreted as "wow, I feel slow" or "wow, this feels really long." Eventually I did make it out of the water, and to my bike. Again my thoughts weren't as negative as they usually are after a swim of such crap-tastic proportions.
T1 was relaxed, I watched someone who came out of the water with me struggle to get their wetsuit off as I took some deep breaths buckled my helmet and got excited to ride my bike.
Right out of transition there is a rather big hill that starts the course off fittingly. This was the most rolling course I have ever done, and by my Garmin second only to Vegas in elevation gain at 4,148ft. Looking at the profile, holy cow were we ever on flat ground? My plan going in to Vegas was to climb conservatively and descend like a mad man, for this race it was exactly opposite. I wanted to push the uphills slightly harder than my watts range, and relax on the downhills while keeping the speed up. Honestly there were only a couple points in the ride where I found myself putting out more than I should have. I could see people up the road and I would push to catch them, thinking we could ride together but when I would relax after catching them... I kept pulling away without really trying. I tried to keep reminding myself, even when I was feeling good to "Be patient, you've still got a half marathon to run." This is where I started having fun in the race, I started to get the most awesome and ridiculous mantras going through my head. About 30 minutes into the bike when it was time for me to take a gel, which was caffeinated, all of the sudden started singing in my head "You're a smooth caffeinator."(I can't take full credit for the saying, this is a Picky Bars flavor, which are delicious) Over, and over, and over, and over. I think I sang it out loud for a short stretch too. If anyone racing around me heard, I apologize. The next revelation I had was that "THIS IS AWESOME." I just realized how much I was enjoying this day already, I said to myself "this is who I am, I'm a triathlete." Prior to that moment, I wasn't really sure. Towards about mile 42 I started to feel like I was getting close to the finish and funny mantra #2 came around "The end is near.... I can T-t-t-taste it Tasssttee it." Luckily, I don't think I let that one slip out loud. Rolling through the last 5 miles I felt that every turn would be the last but they just kept coming, which was fine with me because I was having a blast on the bike. I finished up my nutrition and passed the last few people in my age group right before going into T2. We were really close together so I was hoping the run would be a battle. (A lot of people will say that the course was bumpy, I had no issues. I put 5-6 PSI less in my tires than normal and was comfortable the whole time. Do look out for the bridges though)
T2- I dumped the sticky gel wrappers at my transition area, picked up my shoes and sunglasses and hit the road jack. I wasn't looking back... Mantra #1 for the run and #3 on the day.
Well looking back on the splits part #3 of my plan was kind of thrown out the window... immediately. Mainly because it just felt right, I was bouncing along and it felt effortless. I know a lot of pros like Andrew Starykowicz and a few others talk about how metrics like a power meter while racing can throw you off and keep you from racing, and achieving some unexpected success. Obviously I'm not going to say he's wrong, 'cause shit, the guy is fast. It's also a much different atmosphere in the pro wave, but for me it's all a balance of a list of priorities. In that list feel comes first. That said, it did scare the shit out of me that I was going too fast until about the 4th or 5th mile marker. Miles 1-4 I would look down at my watch see 6:40 something and say whoa there buddy lets settle down I took a deep breath and relaxed for a few seconds, look down back at my watch and see 6:35. After about 4 miles of this continuously happening I decided to fully commit to the pace I was running. This was also where the race started to get heavy for me, I finally decided on this rhythm and my mind started to wander with the metronome of my feet concreted in the background. I started to realize what this race was turning into something special when I counted the guys coming the opposite direction and realized that the number was less than two hands worth of fingers. My thoughts drifted to the year I've had, and the struggles that I made it through to get to where I was. Now before I get too sentimental, I don't usually let my thoughts drift to these types of things while racing. The last time I had a run this epic was at White Lake International where I was focused on form, I was focused on the guy in front of me, I was focused on the plan. This run was much different, every timing mat I crossed I thought about my family tracking me at home, I thought about what my Mom would say to me if she could. (After her stroke, my Mom has had trouble saying exactly what she wants to say. She understands everything that people are saying, but has a limited vocabulary. Her main form of communication is tone rather than word choice.) I started to repeat to myself "Good luck, Good job, and I'm proud of you," mantra #2 for the run. My eyes started to look farther and farther up the road, set on each and every person that I could catch. I started embracing the hills where I would make the most ground up. I'd work them up and glide down at the same pace, but recovering on the other side. At one point I reminded myself "Look at this Seth! You're a runner. Don't forget."
So with no expectations going in I was going to have my fastest half marathon ever. Ever. Through the second lap I hit a few rough patches and I welcomed the pain which is always a weird though to me. I always understood the thought when I heard other people mention it, but this was my first go at accepting it like an "old friend." I think there are a lot of ways to do this, but after opening the emotional flood gates, my way was by spending the pain I had gathered over the past few months. I wanted to take my Mom's pain for her and use it here, I wanted to take it all and spend it over the last few miles. As I looked at my watch when things got harder, the pace kept going down. So I kept asking for more. I had only been looking at splits through the entire run, and when I finally switched to total time with less than a quarter mile to go and saw 1:23 I really didn't think anything of it, still in an exhausted daze. Once I got onto the blue finishing carpet and saw the total time 4:26:50.. 4:27:15... and finally 4:27:36. I didn't know any of my splits before the last quarter mile of the run. My swim time- missed it coming into T1, Bike time - Didn't even have it as an option on my Garmin and no average speed to even guess. Coming through the finish line to see all of this season's hard work cumulate into my fastest time, on a course like this... I was just overwhelmed. Even last year at Steelhead I wasn't this overwhelmed when I finished. I was excited, I was happy, but I have never been knee buckling overwhelmed like I was when I crossed that finish line.
In the weeks after Vegas I decided rather quickly that I didn't want to let my season end that way, so I signed up for Rev3 South Carolina scheduled for a little over a month later. I found my way into doing some of the little things again without giving much thought to beginning a healthy lifestyle or the race. I can't say that it was with solely the race in mind but maybe that was what sparked action. Vegetables were back in the diet, foam rolling before bed started happening again. With that said, My heart wasn't set totally on triathlon again, but I knew that I would enjoy a good hard effort, and it was a tough course so I didn't expect any personal best times. Even in the build to this race I haven't had that "fire" that you'll hear about from people who really are set on their goal. I was enjoying each workout for what it was that day, I still strayed from my coaches plan from time to time, but I was enjoying the vague semblance of consistency again. During most of my training leading up the race, I don't remember thinking of how the race would go, what my times would be, what I'd do during specific situations, I mostly just did the workout and left it at that. I rarely ever even uploaded the data, which I'm sure was quite annoying for my coach (sorry!).
Even the week before race I wasn't counting down like for Vegas. I wasn't looking up pictures of the swim start for visualization. I knew a few things about the course, but I didn't have the elevation profiles memorized like for Vegas. I explained it like this to a friend: "What is a race besides a hard effort? It's not like there is something magical about it that makes it harder because it's a race." Which may or may not be true, but it sums up my feelings on the 4 hour drive there, and on the start line seconds before the horn blew. I had three bits of information for myself before the race. 1) "Be patient" 2) "210-220Watts" 3) "7:00 first mile, then whatever." That really is about all that I planned out, the rest of the race I was just going to do my best and go off of feel. Generally I have a very set plan that I'll follow to control what I can and let the day be dictated by me.
It's pretty incredible how little I am able to remember about the warm up and my thoughts before going into the water. I'm having trouble really writing anything here actually, my mind was very clear. The only thoughts that crossed my mind were things that I could control. Uncontrollable "what ifs" didn't ever seem to linger into the spectrum of thought, it was just another day.
I lined up on the right side of the swim start because that seemed like a good out of the way place to be. For some reason, even though my swimming has been a joke lately the front row welcomed me. I remember only a few things about the swim. One of them being running into the water. Now, I don't want this to sound like I walked into the water but I was so relaxed when running in that it felt like I was meandering my way to the first buoy. A lot of times I pride myself on the ability to run through the water quickly dolphin diving until it's appropriate to start flailing my arms about trying to convert my frantic movement into forward motion. The second thing I remember about the swim was wow, my wetsuit is tight, I had to pull down the neck to get a bit of room to breath every 5 minutes or so. This probably led to the third thing I remember about the swim, which can be interpreted as "wow, I feel slow" or "wow, this feels really long." Eventually I did make it out of the water, and to my bike. Again my thoughts weren't as negative as they usually are after a swim of such crap-tastic proportions.
T1 was relaxed, I watched someone who came out of the water with me struggle to get their wetsuit off as I took some deep breaths buckled my helmet and got excited to ride my bike.
Right out of transition there is a rather big hill that starts the course off fittingly. This was the most rolling course I have ever done, and by my Garmin second only to Vegas in elevation gain at 4,148ft. Looking at the profile, holy cow were we ever on flat ground? My plan going in to Vegas was to climb conservatively and descend like a mad man, for this race it was exactly opposite. I wanted to push the uphills slightly harder than my watts range, and relax on the downhills while keeping the speed up. Honestly there were only a couple points in the ride where I found myself putting out more than I should have. I could see people up the road and I would push to catch them, thinking we could ride together but when I would relax after catching them... I kept pulling away without really trying. I tried to keep reminding myself, even when I was feeling good to "Be patient, you've still got a half marathon to run." This is where I started having fun in the race, I started to get the most awesome and ridiculous mantras going through my head. About 30 minutes into the bike when it was time for me to take a gel, which was caffeinated, all of the sudden started singing in my head "You're a smooth caffeinator."(I can't take full credit for the saying, this is a Picky Bars flavor, which are delicious) Over, and over, and over, and over. I think I sang it out loud for a short stretch too. If anyone racing around me heard, I apologize. The next revelation I had was that "THIS IS AWESOME." I just realized how much I was enjoying this day already, I said to myself "this is who I am, I'm a triathlete." Prior to that moment, I wasn't really sure. Towards about mile 42 I started to feel like I was getting close to the finish and funny mantra #2 came around "The end is near.... I can T-t-t-taste it Tasssttee it." Luckily, I don't think I let that one slip out loud. Rolling through the last 5 miles I felt that every turn would be the last but they just kept coming, which was fine with me because I was having a blast on the bike. I finished up my nutrition and passed the last few people in my age group right before going into T2. We were really close together so I was hoping the run would be a battle. (A lot of people will say that the course was bumpy, I had no issues. I put 5-6 PSI less in my tires than normal and was comfortable the whole time. Do look out for the bridges though)
T2- I dumped the sticky gel wrappers at my transition area, picked up my shoes and sunglasses and hit the road jack. I wasn't looking back... Mantra #1 for the run and #3 on the day.
Well looking back on the splits part #3 of my plan was kind of thrown out the window... immediately. Mainly because it just felt right, I was bouncing along and it felt effortless. I know a lot of pros like Andrew Starykowicz and a few others talk about how metrics like a power meter while racing can throw you off and keep you from racing, and achieving some unexpected success. Obviously I'm not going to say he's wrong, 'cause shit, the guy is fast. It's also a much different atmosphere in the pro wave, but for me it's all a balance of a list of priorities. In that list feel comes first. That said, it did scare the shit out of me that I was going too fast until about the 4th or 5th mile marker. Miles 1-4 I would look down at my watch see 6:40 something and say whoa there buddy lets settle down I took a deep breath and relaxed for a few seconds, look down back at my watch and see 6:35. After about 4 miles of this continuously happening I decided to fully commit to the pace I was running. This was also where the race started to get heavy for me, I finally decided on this rhythm and my mind started to wander with the metronome of my feet concreted in the background. I started to realize what this race was turning into something special when I counted the guys coming the opposite direction and realized that the number was less than two hands worth of fingers. My thoughts drifted to the year I've had, and the struggles that I made it through to get to where I was. Now before I get too sentimental, I don't usually let my thoughts drift to these types of things while racing. The last time I had a run this epic was at White Lake International where I was focused on form, I was focused on the guy in front of me, I was focused on the plan. This run was much different, every timing mat I crossed I thought about my family tracking me at home, I thought about what my Mom would say to me if she could. (After her stroke, my Mom has had trouble saying exactly what she wants to say. She understands everything that people are saying, but has a limited vocabulary. Her main form of communication is tone rather than word choice.) I started to repeat to myself "Good luck, Good job, and I'm proud of you," mantra #2 for the run. My eyes started to look farther and farther up the road, set on each and every person that I could catch. I started embracing the hills where I would make the most ground up. I'd work them up and glide down at the same pace, but recovering on the other side. At one point I reminded myself "Look at this Seth! You're a runner. Don't forget."So with no expectations going in I was going to have my fastest half marathon ever. Ever. Through the second lap I hit a few rough patches and I welcomed the pain which is always a weird though to me. I always understood the thought when I heard other people mention it, but this was my first go at accepting it like an "old friend." I think there are a lot of ways to do this, but after opening the emotional flood gates, my way was by spending the pain I had gathered over the past few months. I wanted to take my Mom's pain for her and use it here, I wanted to take it all and spend it over the last few miles. As I looked at my watch when things got harder, the pace kept going down. So I kept asking for more. I had only been looking at splits through the entire run, and when I finally switched to total time with less than a quarter mile to go and saw 1:23 I really didn't think anything of it, still in an exhausted daze. Once I got onto the blue finishing carpet and saw the total time 4:26:50.. 4:27:15... and finally 4:27:36. I didn't know any of my splits before the last quarter mile of the run. My swim time- missed it coming into T1, Bike time - Didn't even have it as an option on my Garmin and no average speed to even guess. Coming through the finish line to see all of this season's hard work cumulate into my fastest time, on a course like this... I was just overwhelmed. Even last year at Steelhead I wasn't this overwhelmed when I finished. I was excited, I was happy, but I have never been knee buckling overwhelmed like I was when I crossed that finish line.
In my eyes this season hasn't been the best of my life, but it most definitely has been the most valuable. I did things completely right for a while, and completely wrong for a while. I learned what's really important, and I learned balance. I learned that I hate it when we, as people, try to simplify things down to "One Thing." It's never about one thing. The most memorable thing that I learned was that holding back is rarely ever your helpful, however safe it feels. Do it all the way, if that is triathlon I don't mean hammer always, I mean embrace the process fully and do what you've gotta do. If it's a relationship, do it all the way, be open. If it's your job, I mean do your best, work hard.
