Thanks giving.

Where are your definitions made?  How do you define success?

I always start to day dream when people ask questions like, "What do you want to do with your life," and "where do you see yourself in five years?" Parents want us to be successful, and happy as we grow and become more and more comfortable being away from home. So I think that a lot of the time people will answer "I just want to be successful," or "I just want to be happy" to these types of questions. What does that even mean, though? They're all such relative outcomes, even if you find that as your goal it still leaves you wondering in the dark looking for something that you're not quite sure of.  While training for races and other fitness related things I've learned the value of both subjective and objective goals. So, "I just want to be successful" isn't useless, but I do think that you should also ask yourself "how do I want to be successful?"  That's why I ask "How do you define success," because I don't think you should learn that definition from Merriam Webster (Which if you're wondering is: the fact of getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame. That actually makes me really sad.),  from the news, or from anyone besides yourself.

Finding a personal definition of success is a burden that is constantly in the back of my mind.  I'll never pretend to "have it all figured out," your definitions are constantly evolving set of values that change with your experience. So at this point success, for me, was easily defined in a quote I read. "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." That Ghandi character has some cool insights to the world.  At this point there is a lot of introspection going on in between my eyes, trying to be this or trying to be that.  I'm most at ease when the trying stops and the being starts.  In reference to my last post- I think that's why I had such a racer's high, because I felt a strong sense of self.

How did I get to that definition? Like I said a little above, your definitions change with your experience. Lately I've been really thankful for my experiences, all of them, good and bad.  I draw from a lot of stupid little things that I'm surprised that I notice, and take those little tidbits with me.  If you ever sat with me on the way home from a race you would probably hear me say something weird like, "Yeah at mile 4.3 of the run I saw this guy who seemed to be really struggling then he itched his ear and it really inspired me to keep going." Hey, whatever floats your boat right? (Okay I don't get that saying) Any way all of that brings me to the main point of my post. "Thanks-Giving."

It's a bit early for Thanksgiving, but then again I'm already eating Reeses Christmas trees so I guess I won't feel too far ahead of the game.  I've lived in three different cities for substantial amounts of time, met loads of awesome, and not so awesome people and every single one I am thankful for.  Each place has been a stepping stone to the next, living at home family- friends all very close within my bubble of protection.  At school, a cool two and a half hours away from family, and the vast majority of my friends- I was just on the edges of my bubble.  Now I'm a thousand miles from home (almost exactly) and I'm well beyond my bubble.  I've met people who have made me realize how different parts of the country can be, how the schools of thought change depending on where you are. What that's taught me more than anything is that your bubble isn't a place that has certain people within it. It's your own personal bubble, because you carry everything you've been taught by the people and experiences you have had within it. So without being too redundant in saying how thankful I am for everything I've got to experience throughout my life, I just want to say thank you to everyone, ever. (Redundant sentence is redundant)

It's an odd feeling to be "Proud of myself" because generally I'm always finding a place for improvement. So I don't want to call it that.  I'm proud of the people who have provided experience to my bubble, I'll carry it with me forever.



After I write a blog post I always get this feeling that I'll talk to someone who read what I wrote and think that everything is some big universal mystery that I'm trying to figure out, but that's really not the case. I just think that a little looking back and trying to understand is good every now and then. So on a less dramatic note, right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop, watching two old men play chess together while drinking coffee out of their own mugs and laughing. I consider myself pretty damn successful. Whoops, that ended up dramatic too. 

The Way Things Work

Since I wrote my last post I haven't re-read it, gone over it in my head, or even thought back to the way I felt when I wrote it.  That was just kind of the point where I let things go and tried to move on.  It feels like so much more time has gone by than has since then, and maybe that is a good sign.

Since what I'll call my last race at White Lake in May I've had a tough time finding purpose for workouts.  The end goal wasn't to get faster, or to accomplish something specific at the next race that I had planned. Most of the workouts were to keep me busy, to keep me from getting trapped in my own head. So, naturally, the other little things that make you successful at anything got dropped from my routine. I got hurt, and it was my fault. Honestly I know I could have prevented it, I probably could have even fixed the problem sooner than I did.  Without sounding too over dramatic, I think that I wanted to be broken somewhere physically to match the place I was in mentally. I made poor choices, and I knew it, but I guess that's one way that things work. 

With so many changes, and so much life being thrown at me I started to let triathlon go.  For so long the basis of my decisions had been what would make me a faster triathlete, and I was making a lot of the right choices. Even as I was rushing to the airport to fly home to my Mom, and my family I was thinking about getting a meal in my 2 hour window. I was thinking about staying off my feet, and recovering well. Looking back I feel horrible for thinking this way when I think about the weight of the situation. I felt horrible at the time even, but I think it's in time of desperation that you rely on what you know, your routine. Not being able to let go of triathlon when I needed to most to focus on my family and things that are more important was off putting. 

I made the human decision and over corrected, I let life come first. Friends going out to eat? Yes! Ice cream? I'll have two. Drinks tonight, and tomorrow too, right on! Obviously, that's not going to work out well if you're constantly asking your body to push through 2-4 hour workouts.  I wasn't getting better in workouts, I wasn't gaining much motivation to work harder, and I was mostly going through the motions. In my mind I knew I was holding on to a thread of "triathlete Seth," but looking forward to what the "new Seth" had in mind.  It took a while to have my fill of living haphazardly, and doing things as they come with little balance. I'm not sure exactly when the switch in my mind happened, but if I had to guess I would say after Las Vegas.  I had an awful race, though I did think that a good race could happen, I knew my best race wasn't possible.  The little confidence in myself that I had was still more than I should have had. I didn't make any of the good decisions that came so naturally to me earlier in the season while racing. It was a low moment for me, to qualify a year out from this race and see so much positive results early in the season, and then know that I let it go consciously. It was like hitting your finger with a hammer, you want to be mad at the hammer, at the nail, at SOMEBODY but you only have yourself to blame.  Even during the lackluster build up to Vegas part of my mind said that I'd get there and be so mad at myself that something would change, part of me had some false hope that it would be a good day.  Turns out i was only partially right in my predictions.  

Looking back despite how my decisions affected things, I wouldn't change my mistakes even if I could. I learned a lot about balance, and why everyone always mentions finding "balance" in every article about success I've ever read.  I thought I knew, but I found it for myself which was a lot more valuable to me. Though, it wasn't until just now, writing this that I realized everything that I have learned.

 In the weeks after Vegas I decided rather quickly that I didn't want to let my season end that way, so I signed up for Rev3 South Carolina scheduled for a little over a month later. I found my way into doing some of the little things again without giving much thought to beginning a healthy lifestyle or the race. I can't say that it was with solely the race in mind but maybe that was what sparked action. Vegetables were back in the diet, foam rolling before bed started happening again. With that said, My heart wasn't set totally on triathlon again, but I knew that I would enjoy a good hard effort, and it was a tough course so I didn't expect any personal best times.  Even in the build to this race I haven't had that "fire" that you'll hear about from people who really are set on their goal.   I was enjoying each workout for what it was that day, I still strayed from my coaches plan from time to time, but I was enjoying the vague semblance of consistency again.  During most of my training leading up the race, I don't remember thinking of how the race would go, what my times would be,  what I'd do during specific situations, I mostly just did the workout and left it at that.  I rarely ever even uploaded the data, which I'm sure was quite annoying for my coach (sorry!).

Even the week before race I wasn't counting down like for Vegas. I wasn't looking up pictures of the swim start for visualization.  I knew a few things about the course, but I didn't have the elevation profiles memorized like for Vegas.  I explained it like this to a friend:  "What is a race besides a hard effort? It's not like there is something magical about it that makes it harder because it's a race." Which may or may not be true, but it sums up my feelings on the 4 hour drive there, and on the start line seconds before the horn blew.  I had three bits of information for myself before the race. 1) "Be patient" 2) "210-220Watts" 3) "7:00 first mile, then whatever." That really is about all that I planned out, the rest of the race I was just going to do my best and go off of feel.  Generally I have a very set plan that I'll follow to control what I can and let the day be dictated by me.

It's pretty incredible how little I am able to remember about the warm up and my thoughts before going into the water. I'm having trouble really writing anything here actually, my mind was very clear. The only thoughts that crossed my mind were things that I could control. Uncontrollable "what ifs" didn't ever seem to linger into the spectrum of thought, it was just another day.

I lined up on the right side of the swim start because that seemed like a good out of the way place to be. For some reason, even though my swimming has been a joke lately the front row welcomed me.  I remember only a few things about the swim. One of them being running into the water. Now, I don't want this to sound like I walked into the water but I was so relaxed when running in that it felt like I was meandering my way to the first buoy.  A lot of times I pride myself on the ability to run through the water quickly dolphin diving until it's appropriate to start flailing my arms about trying to convert my frantic movement into forward motion.  The second thing I remember about the swim was wow, my wetsuit is tight, I had to pull down the neck to get a bit of room to breath every 5 minutes or so.  This probably led to the third thing I remember about the swim, which can be interpreted as "wow, I feel slow" or "wow, this feels really long."  Eventually I did make it out of the water, and to my bike. Again my thoughts weren't as negative as they usually are after a swim of such crap-tastic proportions.

T1 was relaxed, I watched someone who came out of the water with me struggle to get their wetsuit off as I took some deep breaths buckled my helmet and got excited to ride my bike.

Right out of transition there is a rather big hill that starts the course off fittingly. This was the most rolling course I have ever done, and by my Garmin second only to Vegas in elevation gain at 4,148ft. Looking at the profile, holy cow were we ever on flat ground?  My plan going in to Vegas was to climb conservatively and descend like a mad man, for this race it was exactly opposite. I wanted to push the uphills slightly harder than my watts range, and relax on the downhills while keeping the speed up.  Honestly there were only a couple points in the ride where I found myself putting out more than I should have.  I could see people up the road and I would push to catch them, thinking we could ride together but when I would relax after catching them... I kept pulling away without really trying.  I tried to keep reminding myself, even when I was feeling good to "Be patient, you've still got a half marathon to run." This is where I started having fun in the race, I started to get the most awesome and ridiculous mantras going through my head. About 30 minutes into the bike when it was time for me to take a gel, which was caffeinated, all of the sudden started singing in my head "You're a smooth caffeinator."(I can't take full credit for the saying, this is a Picky Bars flavor, which are delicious) Over, and over, and over, and over. I think I sang it out loud for a short stretch too. If anyone racing around me heard, I apologize.  The next revelation I had was that "THIS IS AWESOME." I just realized how much I was enjoying this day already, I said to myself "this is who I am, I'm a triathlete."  Prior to that moment, I wasn't really sure. Towards about mile 42 I started to feel like I was getting close to the finish and funny mantra #2 came around "The end is near.... I can T-t-t-taste it Tasssttee it." Luckily, I don't think I let that one slip out loud. Rolling through the last 5 miles I felt that every turn would be the last but they just kept coming, which was fine with me because I was having a blast on the bike.  I finished up my nutrition and passed the last few people in my age group right before going into T2. We were really close together so I was hoping the run would be a battle.  (A lot of people will say that the course was bumpy, I had no issues. I put 5-6 PSI less in my tires than normal and was comfortable the whole time. Do look out for the bridges though)

T2- I dumped the sticky gel wrappers at my transition area, picked up my shoes and sunglasses and hit the road jack. I wasn't looking back... Mantra #1 for the run and #3 on the day.

Well looking back on the splits part #3 of my plan  was kind of thrown out the window... immediately. Mainly because it just felt right, I was bouncing along and it felt effortless. I know a lot of pros like Andrew Starykowicz and a few others talk about how metrics like a power meter while racing can throw you off and keep you from racing, and achieving some unexpected success. Obviously I'm not going to say he's wrong, 'cause shit, the guy is fast. It's also a much different atmosphere in the pro wave, but for me it's all a balance of a list of priorities. In that list feel comes first. That said, it did scare the shit out of me that I was going too fast until about the 4th or 5th mile marker. Miles 1-4 I would look down at my watch see 6:40 something and say whoa there buddy lets settle down I took a deep breath and relaxed for a few seconds, look down back at my watch and see 6:35. After about 4 miles of this continuously happening I decided to fully commit to the pace I was running. This was also where the race started to get  heavy for me, I  finally decided on this rhythm and my mind started to wander with the metronome of my feet concreted in the background. I started to realize what this race was turning into something special when I counted the guys coming the opposite direction and realized that the number was less than two hands worth of fingers.  My thoughts drifted to the year I've had, and the struggles that I made it through to get to where I was. Now before I get too sentimental, I don't usually let my thoughts drift to these types of things while racing. The last time I had a run this epic was at White Lake International where I was focused on form, I was focused on the guy in front of me, I was focused on the plan.  This run was much different, every timing mat I crossed I thought about my family tracking me at home, I thought about what my Mom would say to me if she could. (After her stroke, my Mom has had trouble saying exactly what she wants to say. She understands everything that people are saying, but has a limited vocabulary. Her main form of communication is tone rather than word choice.) I started to repeat to myself "Good luck, Good job, and I'm proud of you," mantra #2 for the run.  My eyes started to look farther and farther up the road, set on each and every person that I could catch. I started embracing the hills where I would make the most ground up. I'd work them up and glide down at the same pace, but recovering on the other side. At one point I reminded myself "Look at this Seth! You're a runner. Don't forget."

So with no expectations going in I was going to have my fastest half marathon ever. Ever. Through the second lap I hit a few rough patches and I welcomed the pain which is always a weird though to me. I always understood the thought when I heard other people mention it, but this was my first go at accepting it like an "old friend."   I think there are a lot of ways to do this, but after opening the emotional flood gates, my way was by spending the pain I had gathered over the past few months. I wanted to take my Mom's pain for her and use it here, I wanted to take it all and spend it over the last few miles. As I looked at my watch when things got harder, the pace kept going down. So I kept asking for more. I had only been looking at splits through the entire run, and when I finally switched to total time with less than a quarter mile to go and saw 1:23 I really didn't think anything of it, still in an exhausted daze.  Once I got onto the blue finishing carpet and saw the total time 4:26:50.. 4:27:15... and finally 4:27:36.  I didn't know any of my splits before the last quarter mile of the run. My swim time- missed it coming into T1, Bike time - Didn't even have it as an option on my Garmin and no average speed to even guess. Coming through the finish line to see all of this season's hard work cumulate into my fastest time, on a course like this... I was just overwhelmed. Even last year at Steelhead I wasn't this overwhelmed when I finished. I was excited, I was happy, but I have never been knee buckling overwhelmed like I was when I crossed that finish line.

In my eyes this season hasn't been the best of my life, but it most definitely has been the most valuable. I did things completely right for a while, and completely wrong for a while. I learned what's really important, and I learned balance. I learned that I hate it when we, as people, try to simplify things down to "One Thing."  It's never about one thing.  The most memorable thing that I learned was that holding back is rarely ever your helpful, however safe it feels. Do it all the way, if that is triathlon I don't mean hammer always, I mean embrace the process fully and do what you've gotta do.  If it's a relationship, do it all the way, be open. If it's your job, I mean do your best, work hard. 

Organizing the Rubble.

Well few and far between followers, this is a long overdue post that is really hard for me to write.  Generally I think that social media, and blogs are for topics that you would discuss with anyone, at a bar, on a group ride, things of that sort.  This post, however is something really personal, something that I feel selfish for writing because it's to help me more than it is to help anyone here reading.  I hope that, somehow, it does help anyone who finds their way here. Remember that as always this is an N=1 experience, and you must read it as such.

The last fifty days or so have been more than just shades of grey for me. I've seen red, blue, and a few glimmers of gold. My "series of unfortunate events" started at the beginning of May. May 4th, I was at a race which I had driven to at 3am that morning, I woke to wonderful words of encouragement from my girlfriend, my family, and my friends.  I made my way on the two hour trip to the race site to find less than ideal conditions, wind, rain, chop... I was excited for the challenge.  I battled from the gun, trying to swim above and beyond my ability through seriously tough conditions. Eventually I made it to the bike and hammered through a gnarly headwind for a top 5 bike split. Then I made it to the run and ran an OPEN 10k PR, and an off the bike 10k PR to take second place at mile 4.5 and run home in about a 5:20 mile.  It was one of those races where you finish and say, this is what I spend 15 hours a week training for.

Excited with the news, I called my Mom, no answer. I called my Step-dad he picked up and we chatted about the great day. I text a few friends while cooling down and let them know about the successful day. About 10 minutes until awards as I jogged around cooling down I got a call back from my Step-dad. He went searching for my Mom to tell her the good news, and found her unresponsive in their bedroom.  Apparently some time in the middle of the night she had had a left side ischemic stroke in the early hours of the morning, 2am is the estimate, and hadn't been discovered until 10am the next morning. My heart sank, my usually unbreakable appetite dissipated from existence, my high was gone.

Not only had I gotten the most horrifying news that one could possibly get, I was a thousand miles away at a race that wouldn't let me out of the parking lot for the longest twenty minutes of my life up to that point. A record which was not held for very long.  Eventually I was on the road, heading to my apartment, and then to the airport. I arrived to the Iowa City Neural Intensive Care Unit around 1am to find my Sister, Brother in-law, Step Father, Uncle, and Aunt hovering over my Mother with concerned looks. I don't know why I didn't mentally prepare for what I would see when I arrived. Over my 6 hours of travel and I just zoned out. That's what had worked so well for me at the race, as I battled the day. Why should this, which on a superficial level posed itself as another challenge for me to battle, be any different. While my preparation for an Olympic distance triathlon may have been spot on, my preparation for the emotional triathlon of denial, acceptance, and action was not quite adequate.  Without the knowledge, or information to back it up I kept telling myself she would be okay as looked upon her barely responsive face. Despite doctors telling us the possible need for brain surgery, the long term implications, and evident signs of the damage done on CT scans, I was optimistic. Optimism, in hindsight is something that takes a lot of strength mentally. Mental strength can be mistaken for dependency on routine, and consistency easily.

Over the next five days that I spent looking over my Mom she didn't get any worse, this was a beacon of hope. No worse, not necessarily meaning better, but no worse. We took it. I traveled back to North Carolina on Wednesday to continue working.  It was so hard leaving family and friends with the subconscious fear of being 1000 miles away and having something else happen.  Though this was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life, I continued training rather consistently despite moving into a new apartment and living in a whole new part of town.  After all I did have a race the next weekend.

Fast forward to two weeks after my last race, I was traveling to Charlotte, NC to do my next Olympic-ish distance. May 17th -  As I packed my car that afternoon after readying my gear, I got a call from my Sister. My Grand Father had died the night prior.  At first I was numb, my mental reaction was "Okay, talk to you later." As if I were just having some small talk conversation.  Then it hit me. My Mother's Father had just passed away. My Mom has no Idea. And I'm alone, 1000 miles away from everyone I've ever loved.  We talked a little, but mostly we were just silent, "what about Mom?" I said, "we decided not to tell her" My sister replied. My Mom had just started understanding speech again, but couldn't herself speak. To throw this on her when she had no way to express herself would have been more than most human beings, even strong as I'm learning that she really is, could handle.  A four hour drive ahead of me, with a lot to think about, I was unsure of the outcome of this race. Just now I find myself writing "needless to say this race didn't go very well," because in hindsight how does anyone muster a clear mind after all of this happening in just two weeks time.

The race went okay,  I found myself battling the little things from keeping me down. Flat tire in transition for no apparent reason, logistical head aches of point to point races.  My mental game was off, and I settled for an okay race that I could have turned around if I really wanted to dig.  I had hit bedrock, to dig anymore I would have needed a bit more fire power.  After the race I was disappointed, but apathetic, I had accepted the day for what it was.

Fast forward to the next week, Wednesday after recovering from the race, out for my first ride from the new apartment.  May 22nd I'm struck by a vehicle passing me from behind. Luckily it was only their mirror, and I was not too badly injured. Some scrapes, yes. Some blood, yes. Some bruises, yes. The injuries, and the circumstance weren't what bothered me. As I cartwheeled through the middle of the lane my bike flying over my head, my things catapulting out of my jersey pockets, fix-a-flat exploding and covering my back, I didn't think about the possibility of a car behind the one that had just patted me on the back, I didn't think about how close I was to death. Initially, I didn't think anything at all.

Further mentally numb I came to accept that bad things will continue to happen to me, with no regard for the previous three weeks of misfortune.  Just like flipping a coin will sometimes land heads, heads, heads, and heads again, with no regard for having landed heads the previous three times. Random isn't consistent, random isn't fair, random isn't predictable. Life is random. It wasn't until I went to call for help that I realized how scary the situation was for me.  I had no one.  My closest family was 16 hours away, my limited number of friends were not answering. I was bloody, bruised, beaten, and alone. Again.

After riding home I delayed cleaning my wounds, still letting my brain catch up with what has happened.  A few hours later I called my parents and described what had happened.  Describing the situation to them, I realized what if a car had been behind the car that hit me? What if I wasn't able to ride home? What if? All these thoughts and worries came rushing in, the flood gates had opened.

I didn't write this so that some unknown group of followers would like, or comment, or pity my circumstance. I didn't write this so that anyone reading this would feel bad for me, that's not how I deal with things.  I wrote this because a few days ago, I did a google search for "What to do when I just want to quit, when I don't want to go through this anymore, and it feels like too much," and I found a blog post that helped me. If you're in the same boat, learn what I learned, just keep going, just keep breathing.  When your head hangs low because your sad, just look at your feet and take it one step at a time.

I don't deal with things by posting a bunch of sad pictures, usually, or telling people look at me look at what I went through and I'm okay. You can do it too. I'm not saying what I went through is any better or worse, or any different than you might be going through.  If i've learned anything as an endurance athlete, and as a person that's gone through just about all I can bear, it's that suffering isn't a quantifiable thing. It's not something that you put a number on and say that you suffered this much today. People suffer through finding their keys in the morning, people suffer through a bad meal, people suffer through death, and people suffer through broken hearts. It doesn't matter what you suffer through, you suffered, and human suffering is all the same.  So don't feel bad, or don't feel like you don't deserve to suffer because what you suffered through is any worse or any better, or and easier... seemingly easier than what I've gone through. Allow yourself to suffer, feel, hurt, cry, laugh, cry again. It's okay. We're made to feel, and I know I'm no less of a man or a person because I hurt and because I cry, and because I feel. I'm just another person, and so are you.

At the end of the day all you can do is just keep going.

One analogy that's helped me through this, that I just thought of today, with the help of someone who's become a really good friend in the last seven months to me, is the analogy of the tunnel. Everybody says that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Sure that's true, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Who know's how long that tunnel is. Who know's how little that light is peaking through (at the other end).  What you do know is that you were at the start of that tunnel once, and everything was illuminated. Everything was clear. And you entered that tunnel and there was still light coming from behind you, and you couldn't stop looking back because that's where the light was, that's what was closest to you. But you have to keep going forwards, you can't go backwards. You're on a train with invisible tracks, and you don't know where those tracks are going, and you don't know how to slow down, or how to stop. Because you can't (you need to accept that, you can't stop). You have to keep going. So although it may seem brighter behind you, it may seem better, it may seem easier, and it may seem like there's no light in front of you, you have to keep going.

You're at the beginning of the tunnel, there's more light behind you than there is in front of you, but eventually you'll come out and you'll be back into the light, and it will be okay.

The last few paragraphs I pulled from a recording I took on the cool down of a late night ride through the forrest. Nothing clears the mind quite as well, I have to say. If you want to watch, but mostly listen, I attached the video below. 

I've said this before, but I think that it's worth noting again. I've written a lot of things that people will probably have heard before. Cliche sayings that you'll hear in movies, you'll hear your parents, or your grandparents, or your Aunt's, or your Uncles, or anyone say. They'll become phrases you use to describe situations you've never been through... "there's light at the end of the tunnel."

Have you ever really been in the tunnel? Do your really know that there is light there? I'm not judging your past hardships, I'm just saying have you lived the cliche yet?  We are all meant to live our own cliche's.  We're meant to learn the hard way what "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," really means. (I could not have told you what it really meant up until two weeks or so ago.)

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the saying, "it's all going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, it's not the end." To tell you the truth, I've wanted to physically harm who ever came up with that phrase the last two weeks because I've heard it time and time again and I just don't think it's that helpful when you're in the place you're likely in when you really need it. Now that I see a fleeting glimmer of light, I see what it means, and I appreciate it a little bit more.  I still think it's a little more annoying than helpful, but I appreciate it.

I appreciate living my cliches even though some of the cliches that I've lived have put me down lower than I've ever been. Don't be afraid, to live your cliches. There's a reason they are so common, it's because they are true. Even my introspective, questioning, disbelieving mind will admit that these common sayings are true. Although you may have heard them thousands of time before you ever lived them, you will one day live them, and they'll be yours to pass on.

I couldn't knowingly say this before, but now I can.  Everything will be okay.

Who am I to give you advice? I'm still figuring it out but as always, your results will vary.




As I wrote this I have just gotten a text that my Mom was walking today, without a cane.

Quick Thought!

Well here I am about to start my workout for the day, the last one of my "rest" week before the next big block of base before getting to the nitty gritty before nationals! I'm really excited, finally, to make some big "offseason" gains!

Last year, I was really excited with the prospect of off season hard work, and doing things right.  This off season I've been pre-occupied mentally with the prospect of new things and change.  Moving to a new time zone, 1000 miles from the only region I've ever called home.  Change, such a tough thing to handle some times.  What has kept me grounded and feeling at ease is that I have continued to train and make progress.  Granted, I wouldn't necessarily say that the training up to this point has been the "best" because I've been so tied up with all of the new things.  I'm notoriously hard on myself, and it makes me think that I haven't really gotten anything out of the training this season yet. Sometimes you get caught up in the thought that if you aren't getting 100% out of your training, it's not worth doing.  It's sometimes de-motivating thinking this way, and I'm glad I have persevered as well as I have up to this point.  Besides, this is going to be a LONG season and a slow ramp up to productiveness will probably do me good come September! What are ya gonna do...

Anyway, this final three weeks of base is going to be good, consistent, and some of the biggest weeks that I have done this early in the season so far.  I'm looking at workouts for the next few weeks and I'm getting really excited! Hard swim sets, LONG runs, and more exploring on the bike are going to really test my fitness and recovery ability.  Last season I made sure to do at least ONE thing for recovery before bed, and I think that is going to be the key to getting the most out of the training I do in this block. Stretch, foam roll, maybe some stability exercises with the band, all of those "little" things that people keep telling you are important... Turns out they really are! Who knew? After weeks and weeks of not giving them enough attention as I should have I can honestly say that I see the difference, and even if it's just in my head it's still there! The placebo effect still affects performance, you know.

So much for not thinking! It's really impossible to stop, I've realized over the few days between when I wrote the last post and now. All you can do is become more "sure" of your goal, not confident, sure... they're different.

I like the idea of updating before each next training block starts, so I think I'll do that from now on. This post seems so short, I may add to it once I get back from exploring the North Carolina hills!

You are your own worst enemy!

Hey blog, it's been a few. How are you doing?

I think triathletes get an accurate rap for complicating things beyond what is really necessary. Though, its not unlikely that you've over thought something simple in your life before either. How many times have you been dating someone and asked yourself, but WHAT DOES THAT MEAN after they say something, as if all words have a secret code.

The fact is that, with three sports to keep track of easy days, hard days, and cumulative training effect, it all gets a little confusing.  I don't mind the complicated process, I think it makes things interesting  A difficult puzzle to solve, especially when you consider how individual training can be for any given person.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about the best way to do this, or the best way to do that, and I think that mental effort could really be better spent trusting your instincts, and just DOING.

I think there are so many places and situations where this type of thinking helps you in racing, and achieving goals that you set for your self. Initially it takes the acceptance of something really important to you, whatever that may be for you.  The relevant training situation starts with a goal, finish your first Ironman/Marathon/Triathlon, hit a time goal, or a place goal at a specific race.  My situation is focused on the outcome at Las Vegas this September.

So many situations, ways to do this or that have been raveling through my head. Things that I need to change, things that I could do better.  Add your own opinions on to what you see Pro athlete's doing and thinking THAT is the ONE way to get the results you want out of your training, and it can be a handful to organize.  I've heard this kind of thinking described in a rather bad movie before, but it's really relevant.

"You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... you can't breathe... because you're in over your head. Like quicksand."

Quick sand in racing is bad, usually I would think that is from a lack of training, and not knowing what to expect. Quick sand in training is a tougher battle to overcome because you aren't necessarily being pressured like in a race setting. The pressure is on yourself, and only your daily decisions can alleviate it.  I've thought more about the topic I wrote about last time, about thinking about how a "world champion" acts or trains. It's amazing to me that professional Quarterbacks can spend so much time talking about their game and how they'll do better in front of cameras and still go out and play on instinct. While watching Tom Brady, all preferences aside, I could tell he was a true professional by the way he separated himself from the questions and didn't over think them.

Another great example, that I honestly believe EVERYONE has experienced is trying to force yourself to sleep.  No matter how hard you close your eyes, no matter how hard you try to think of "nothing" the thought process keeps you up, and away from your goal. I'd go into detail, because I've spent a lot of time NOT being able to sleep in my day, but I think we all get this one.

The important part of this is to accept the goal, know the basics of the process to get there, and apply them. Three steps and there you go, you're well on your way. With a little patience of course. It doesn't take a complete understanding of the human physiology to be a professional athlete, and it doesn't take a mathematician to help you solve a problem sometimes.

So I'm hoping with this thought in mind that I can get the most quality possible out of the next base block of training, by thinking less. I'll be sure to update you on how well my ignorance correlates with bliss the next time I write!

Brain Upload

The past month has been a blur... actually I'm not sure what that saying really means. In reality I have really good eye sight.  Not much blurring going on here, but wow have they been hectic.  From studying for finals, taking the GRE, to planning the big move to North Carolina, it's been one thing to another for far too long.  I'm really happy to have the last two weeks to just decompress (I stole this saying from Seinfeld, when George decompresses just before THE SUMMER OF GEORGE. Except this has been THE WINTER OF SETH!).  I really think it's a good saying because that's exactly how I've felt for the past weeks, compressed. I'm feeling much more expanded now, it's nice.

Something about the compression of the last four weeks has made me really scatter brained, I start a blog idea and I leave it unfinished in my notes app on my phone. Then there are just bits and pieces of thoughts left in my head to upload. So that's what I'm hoping to accomplish here, a bit of uploading. Freeing up space for my head to further decompress! 

Though I absolutely dreaded everything about the last few weeks, I actually learned a lot about stress, and how it affects me physically, and mentally. As I already mentioned mentally, it left me really scatter brained, and having difficulty making easy decisions, or continuing through with simple things. I think most notably was uploading my training peaks, honestly it takes 20-30 min and for some reason it was just too much for me! Physically, my resting HR was through the roof, a lot of the time that I spend in the library, just reading, writing or procrastinating. My HR ended up being nearly 75 bpm some times! I couldn't believe that it had that great of affect on me.  Workouts were tough to find motivation to finish, and fatigue found a whole new meaning. This all came along with awkward sleeping and dieting schedules so it's likely an accumulation of all of these things, but still what an effect! 

I think one of the most complete thoughts that I wrote down, was about controlling the controllable. It's great how much my racing life has applied to my school life. This is what I wrote: 

When I wanted to make the shift from being a decent age grouper to a top of the pack age grouper two seasons ago I did what anyone would do. I tried to control everything, even the uncontrollables.  It drove me mad, I could write a book for a single race plan. Now a days my race plans are short and sweet. Find some feet in the swim, ride my watts, continually assess how I feel and adapt nutrition, and negative split the run. Basically just run on instinct, trust your experience.  My goodness I wish I would have learned that earlier, maybe I wouldn't have sprouted grey hairs so early? Controlling the controllable is a HUGE part of racing, technically it's the only part of racing. 

After a weekend in the library studying my life away (after my workouts for the day). I realized how well racing taught, and continues to teach this lesson, and how many people don't seem to learn it otherwise. I was studying with a girl that just couldn't seem to calm down about an upcoming test. In her defense it was a pretty important test, but the stress seemed to handicap her. Then I said: "listen, all you can control is what you study, how much you study, and your answers on the test. Don't worry about what it will be like, how hard it will be, if you have a question ASK, that's all you can do."  I was surprised how helpful  she thought this advice was.  Which made me really thankful for my racing experience and how it's helped me accomplish other things. I am surprised how well this idea  applied to this situation, pretty much seamlessly. I think it's pretty applicable to any tough goal that you strive, or stress over. Control what you can towards the goal. Over control is the problem, trying to change the weather on your wedding day isn't going to make you feel more accomplished or happy, it's just going to leave you feeling like you didn't have any role in making this wonderful day happen. 

Now I say all of this like I've got it figured out, like its super easy for me to apply this. However, I always seem to forget these things when it comes to accomplishing my outside goals. Specifically, controlling what I eat. I think this applies to "control the controllables" really well because your weight fluctuates so much based on so many things, it's a complicated game to get right. I know this time of the season isn't the most optimal to be concerned about this, but I'd like to get into the habit of eating better with out thinking. The problem is to eat better you have to be thinking about what you're eating. If you think too much, stress over missing certain types of foods, cravings just crawl into your brain. I mean honestly what's the first thing you want to do when your parents said "No snacks before dinner."  If you base your success on what the scale says, you're gonna have a bad time.  Jesse Thomas explains this a different way, he says "aim for a B+ diet." I think that keeps us calm, and reassures us to not try and control everything, and just let things happen. Oddly enough, I think aiming for a B+ GPA would have kept me a lot more sane than I was these last four weeks! 

I think when you break it down, you can apply this to almost anything. If you find yourself really striving towards a goal, and then regressing, ask yourself am I stressing about unnecessary or uncontrollable things? It's a pretty simple process that can be turned into a complex one in a hurry. Just remember what your grade school teachers, and parents always used to tell you. You really can do anything that you put your mind to, and normally before we even make goals we have a process in mind of how to accomplish them. Dissect that process into controllable and uncontrollables and do what you can, but as always have patience persistence and optimism in your plan! 

I didn't want this blog to be about dieting, but I thought it was a good example that isn't necessarily thought of all the time. Since I wrote that, I came across a thought that sort of applies to this problem with training and trying to control TOO MUCH. 

I recently went on a run with a good friend of mine, Alycia, who just broke her school record in the 6k this season on her school's cross country team.  I've known Alycia since middle school, and we have both taken sport through rough times and GREAT times and her recollection of the record setting race, and the training that led up to it gave me a great thought about EXACTLY what it takes to be a "champion." 

She mentioned how during the race, she thought about dropping the effort and coming in easy after hitting a "wall" around 4.5k, she mentioned that briefly she thought to herself "I knew if I eased up I would know exactly where the race went bad" (which reminded me of my similar thought about easing up when presented with a wall at Iowa's Best Dam Tri in September). Then she hit the 5k mark and PR'd for 5k in a 6k race, which gave her a second wind of sorts. She maintained the pace through the last kilometer and didn't even know she'd broken the record until someone from her team, the previous record holder of all people told her! It's funny, I never thought about over coming the wall in races as short as 6k. In my half iron man experiences the wall comes, but I find comfort in the fact that I have hours to over come it. To do what she did in the last 1000m, less than 4 minutes, was really inspiring. 

We talked about coming home for breaks and how it toils with our consistency, battling the summer heat with morning runs before the sun has risen, trying to convince yourself that a few days off is best during winter illness, both common set backs during school breaks. Alycia described her summer training leading up to her stand out cross country season as "less than perfect." Considering this was one of the hottest summers in Iowa's history, that is easily understandable.  Without much thought, training started coming around for her when the season started. With her coaches instruction she held back during through early season races, and ended up third, or fourth.  Workouts kept going well, things kept falling into place, and before she knew it she found herself in a school record braking race. 

She then told me about this winter break, and how she had been battling a cold, and didn't want to take consecutive days off of running because of it. It seemed to cause her a bit of stress, surely other school record holders, and other competition, weren't missing out on days of training. Sadly, this isn't something we can control, getting sick is a part of the season. What can we control? Recovering as fast as possible back to your original health. 

This was oddly relevant to my current situation, or change in mindset after qualifying for Vegas 70.3 World Champs. I find myself saying frequently, "what would a World Champion do?"  Sometimes, this is motivating, and keeps me working hard through times of tired body syndrome. I also think that sometimes this is a source of unnecessary, and uncontrollable stress, that isn't that advantageous to becoming a champion. What drives us to pound ourselves further into recovery debt through sickness and injury? I think a lot of the time it's what we think a champion would do.  None of this was new news to me, I've had this thought many of times.  Like I mentioned earlier, I've gained a lot of experience with controlling the controllable from racing, so what did Alycia's story mean to me? 

I've known Alycia my entire athletic life, she's seen early success and has since been patiently working her ass off through injury, breaking mental barriers, and finally battled her way back to the front of the pack. What was really humbling, satisfying, comforting, motivating (insert adjective here), was that since I'd known her for such a long time, I know that she's just like everyone else, just like me, just like most of the people that are probably reading this.  I know she's hoped and dreamed of becoming "that" kind of athlete for so long and the fact that she's made a huge jump towards that, after all this time, is what makes her story special to me.  

So often we see athletes as super heros, role models, people that you just can't fathom being normal "they must have something most people don't". Bearing in mind that these people devote the majority of their time busting their asses, sacrificing short term pleasures for long term success, they are just like you or me.  Don't let the media that surrounds professional athletes fool you with exaggerations of their journey to success. Sure sometimes there are miraculous stories of success, but often they are the product of everyday normal people you grew up watching bust their ass, like Alycia.  

I hope you see the sentiment I'm trying to express, ordinary people do extraordinary things by other's standards and become super hero's and celebrities.  Really it's just a product of a quiet commitment, whether it's during the early morning heat, or late night chill, that's where regular people are made into champions. What EXACTLY does it take? What does a normal  person do to become a World Champion? Ask 50 different world champion coaches, and athletes and  you'll either get: A) 10,000 different answers or B) Not a single answer. It takes YOU being your own version of a champion, not doing what previous world champions did, or what previous world record holders did, your path to success is unique to you. Be open with your expectations and find it, don't worry if it's not miraculous or silver screen ready. 

A quote from my coach'es blog -Success is a quiet set of daily tasks - Owen Cook. 

It's Been my observation that the greatest athletes in the world find their motivation in their training. It's been my experience that the happiest days in my life on the most basic level, are when I'm consistently working towards a goal in a routine that I'm proud of. Kind of like steadily adding money to your savings account, the security of the routine and its regularity satisfies some type of productivity meter in our minds.

The problem with likening training with money is that only money is black and white. Yet they share the same need for consistency to satisfy our egos, calm our insecurities, and accomplish our goals. That's where the difficulty of being a professional athlete lies, though I think it applies to other fields as well. You have to think of your action as black and white, you do or do not take action. The inconsistency of the action causes people to confuse the routine. All days are not created equal in training. Some days easy, some days harder than others, some days you do nothing at all. Yet the desire for our goal burns with the same intensity each day. If you go to sleep thinking about your goal, and wake up thinking about it you may know what I mean. If your goal scares you a little and you think it may not be possible, but you'll be damned if you don't try, you may know what I mean. The will to work, sacrifice, and persevere does not change, but what the day calls for does. Some say they have trouble with motivation, to lose weight, to train, to study, to eat healthier. This is almost always the case, but when you want something bad enough it's a different problem. You have too much motivation, the willingness to sacrifice overrides the logic of what needs to be done. (An after thought but a prime example of this is attempting to lose weight but not eating breakfast, very counter productive to your metabolism and overall calorie burning, but not always logical to some) We all remember our elementary school teachers telling us if we work really really hard at something we can accomplish it. Sometimes working really really hard includes being patient, and doing nothing. What did he just say you're thinking? Did he say you can be working really hard by doing nothing? Yes, some days doing nothing is easy, even unnecessary but we do it anyway, the recent holidays are a great example. Others, the more important days, when nothing is exactly what we need, it's harder to come by. Fatigue, ego, and desire cloud the innate ability we have to know when rest is necessary.  Yawning more than usual? Stairs always suck, but is today worse than you remember? Lack of appetite? If you track your resting heart rate, is it much higher than you remember it being? These are all things that, at this time of the year it's time to familiarize yourself with, because not recognizing them can lead to problems when the season is in it's most important phase.


If you're thinking, "holy cow, this guy is nuts let me get some of that motivation, because the last thing I wan't to do is go out and exercise right now," bare with me. If not enough motivation is your problem problem, you're probably not seeking out hidden blogs like mine. If you did find yourself here with a lack of motivation, I can sympathize. With the beginning of any plan towards a goal behavior change is the first of many process goals towards the outcome goal you've set for yourself.  Remember all you have control of is the process, the outcome is the anticipated result of the process. This time of year people make goals or resolutions and attack them full force. I love that! I think everyone should have a goal and attack it!

I recently read a great quote that articulates this "The trouble with not having a goal is you can run up and down the field, and never score." With the way society makes competition a choice, rather than a necessity to survive, I think we have a natural pent up need for reaching goals. They're different for everyone, and change with your expertise, personality, and environment, but without a goal you're basically running around like a chicken with it's head cut off aimlessly seeking. I think they're very hard to avoid, they come some what naturally even if in the simplest form, but the simple goals teach us, and give us the ability to make bigger goals. Okay enough of that tangent my point is like I said above, sometimes you have to fight your own desire to work... once you've made the goal. 

Each year I hear people complaining about the influx of people in the gym the two weeks after January 1st. It does eventually quiet down to its normal capacity but a few hang on, why the low return rate? My thought is that people attack it too hard their first two weeks, they are sore after the first day, but their motivation is high so they solider on. The second day they feel great about persevering, and are happy with their fatigue. Similar outline for the rest of their attempt at a behavior change until finally fatigue clouds logic and routine and they break the progress they made in developing a routine. With trained athletes fatigue is familiar, it's associated with improvement. With new goal setters fatigue is a sign that's something's not quite right, but also about progress if seriously new to the exercise world it's a CONSTANT reminder MEGA SORENESS aka DOMS. In my experience I get a good build up of fatigue after about 3 weeks of training, then mentally and physically I need to back off, even though sometimes my mind tells me I need MORE (Who want's to take a week off of deposits to the savings account). It would makes sense that a new exerciser might need this every two weeks right? So that time period makes sense to me.

Doing 3-4 P90x videos your first day exercising and hitting it hard works for some people. They can recover and be alright continuing on happily in their fatigue and progress. Just like athletes with natural talent these people probably have a genetic ability to recover, who knows the sub 2 hr marathoner could be a couch potato with no motivation. That's a topic for another blog, though. For the vast majority of people, the behavior change has to happen BEFORE they can "lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks with these simple and easy steps, just call to find out how!" (picture that in a late night television commercial voice). Behavior change, developing a routine happens slowly and patiently. It's okay if you're an impatient person who can't stand in line for more than 5 min, what's important is being patient where it counts. If you've mentally developed a goal well enough you should realize that it's WORTH the wait. Work on your process goals frequently and consistently with little worry about intensity for 2 maybe even 3 weeks before you unleash the furious motivation that you've built up. Just like I've mentioned earlier for trained athletes, know you can do more, but check your ego, and chill out. Gain confidence that you have the ability to do more, it's a good feeling to have that control!

Okay now we're on the same page, you've made the behavior change and you're ready to challenge yourself. Say after a few weeks of killing it and feeling great about your new found intensity in your new found routine, it's important to be able to recognize what the day calls for. It's something a coach can't do for you, but something they can predict from experience. We are complex systems that interact, with an unimaginable amount of possible outcomes. It's important to listen to what your body is telling you, and not persevere though the signs that you question. Recently I mentioned to my coach something that makes a lot of sense that I hadn't totally bought into because I hadn't checked my ego at the door. I'll post the entire thing here in a few, but basically, unless you're at the highest level, the activity probably accounts for 10-30% of your potential. The rest is mostly from your consistent application of exercise and rest. Don't get me wrong 30% is huge, especially in a race against time and when you're competing in a 4.5 or more hour race. Don't let that de-motivate you, some people draw heaps of motivation from a complex plan that involves thing they don't think anyone else is doing that's fine, like I said we are complex systems that can react many many ways to every little thing, if that's what works for you, why change. I just hope you also gain confidence in the fact that a missed day is an increase in the rest side of the equation (Rest X Recovery^2=steps towards goal, not just muscle adaptation) and any activity is a consistent deposit into the goal savings account. If you're like me sometimes it's hard not to make a withdrawal from that account every so often just to see the fruits of your labor. Like I've said before, be confident that you have more and be sure not to overdraft.


Sometimes I write these blogs from recent thoughts during workouts, or when I haven't fully convinced myself of something that I know I need to adapt to. I've written about this topic before and I was trying to convince myself fully of it before, but I feel that I have a good understanding of the importance of this topic now after I got to see the fruits of my labor.  I raced the traditional 5 mile turkey trot last week and had a pleasant surprise with not only a P.R. but a P.R. that felt great.  I ran 5:47 pace on a fairly hilly course, with some tough conditions. That's not quite important, but as a reference, I haven't run under 6 min pace for more than 20 seconds since Iowa's Best Damn Tri (check out the race report if you haven't).  So you can imagine my surprise when I had this result! Something I wrote about the race afterwards "It's tough to regress to slower workload, and pace, and expect better results." An ah-ha moment! Even though the slower paces weren't "Nothing" like I mentioned above, they were much much slower than I was doing this time the previous year, and also much much slower than my motivation would have had me run. Mentally, I think this is what holding yourself back a bit during training allows you to do, Surprise Yourself.  I often feel best after races where my expectations are non-existant or very low. Surprising myself is a welcome.... well surprise. It's good to have some idea of what you're capable of, and don't reach for things that you're clearly not ready for. But at the same time don't let your imagination, or your willingness to try falter because you haven't done something before. I think I'm trying to teach and convince, myself this mostly here, but who wouldn't benefit from a lesson like that? It's something that's slowly being realized in my training, and racing, and life.  I see it not only in this one instance, but at IBDT where I just had to try, and in so many other situations Tri related, and otherwise.